by (the amazing) Eve Peyser / The Daily Dot / August 7, 2015
One Hundred and Forty Short Stories
Posts from 2011-2016 when Twitter was fun
he said he was depressed. I asked who isn’t ?
my scariest part is my feelings
The world would be a better place if I took a vow of silence.
I live in a constant state of dissatisfaction.
Having trouble with emotions run amok, usually between 3 and 4am.
Emoji are sickeningly cute. Even the turd is cute. I wish I could deface them.
My life is a perpetual awkward phase.
how can there be so much cruelty
If working is filling your time so you don't have to think about anything else. Quit.
Going through a phase of self-ostracization.
I'm most fearful of blind loyalty.
are there labels in the backs of tops and dresses so they can stick out?
I'm weak. Can only watch RNC on Full Frontal, The Daily Show, Last Week Tonight, et al
RNC – not good for insomniacs
I despise women's shoes. Are they trying to cripple us?
uncertainty’s unnerving. certainty’s boring.
Anyone know why everyone’s slept in sheets have that same “slept in sheet” smell?
I hate to think that there is a possibility that I have been brainwashed.
Does anyone not have an eating disorder?
Democracy is dead. The winning side is the one that puts out the most effective propaganda.
hard to be alone with myself unless I’m in front of a screen or high
hillary hatred is steeped in sexism
Obsolescence is a state of mind.
social media complicates your sense of self
I learn more from being proven wrong than being agreed with. But being agreed with feels better.
How about changing the name of this country to the Ununited States.
Mothers! Raise your girls to strut their brainpower.
It's so weird to look in the mirror and see an old face.
caller id - a very special gift from god:
Great work big business and celebs for the transgender community in NC. Now can you do the same for women's reproductive rights.
Trump has the emotional maturity of a 2 year old.
Weird dream. Got a new boyfriend. Kept forgetting his name. Was too embarrassed to keep asking him. Felt really uncomfortable. Meaning?
my addiction outweighs my good sense
My devices are micromanaging my life.
Do people who play the bagpipes only know one song.
very locked in my head today which is unpleasantly claustrophobic
Best to stay occupied so you don't think about how you feel
I feel purposeless
How are you?
watching and living House of Cards at the same time.
Why does pain always have to accompany passion
If I pay $13 for a glass of wine I expect it to be filled to the top.
I'm nominating Anita Hill to replace Antonin Scalia
Is it possible to elect an insane person as president? Yes.
sleep problems = spending the night having a boring conversation with myself in my head that escalates to obsessing
What's happened to New York. I forgot to lock up my bike. Came back 2 hours later. No one had stolen it.
this us against them mentality is scaring the living daylights out of me
Vegan. Vegetarian. Pescatarian. Flexitarian. Are we insane. Just eat real food. Nothing processed. Don’t stuff your face. Period. The end.
Refugees are not terrorists. They are fleeing from terrorists.
What would it be like to take everything on face value?
Today was terrifying. The streets were overrun with drunken young people wearing Santa costumes.
My comfort zone isn't comfortable.
Sometimes you gotta confront the beast.
Sometimes it's better to walk away.
Sexist assholes who don't even know they are, are abusers. Who don't even know they are.
Give me something to worry about and I will.
I blame my libido for some of the worst decisions I've made in my life.
It's odd that a characteristic many of us share is loneliness.
I find it much easier to forgive other people's mistakes than my own.
I feel haunted
This is a little grandiose. Surely a Twitter account would suffice:
Why is it that most world leaders are insane?
I go into panic mode whenever I hear any national anthem.
I doubt I could be friends with anyone who tells me high school was the best time of their lives.
At what point in my life did I lose the distinction of feeling hungry to being hungry.
Why aren't there mandatory classes in schools on the financial system?
As a teacher I need to act like I know something which makes me very self conscious.
I started honing my flirtation skills around age 12. It stopped by the time I was 16 when I became a deeper and more depressed person.
I was sexually harassed on the streets mercilessly between the ages of 10 and 50. It’s pretty well over now. I don’t miss it
If high heels are meant to make women look more attractive, why do they look so clumsy walking in them.
Adult shaved bodies look creepily childlike
My vagina did not enjoy having babies.
Do mean-spirited people know they are mean-spirited?
Logic is an invention.
Watching myself is worse than being myself.
Full disclosure: I like to torture telemarketers so they hang up on me.
Sad development. Some of my happiest moments are in front of a screen.
Unfortunately we are all the hero in our own narrative.
I'm scared of my younger self.
The internet has given me ADHD.
Two profound influences that shaped who I am: horror and hope.
Twitter circa 1989 (Jenny Holzer poster in friend's bathroom):
Man riding on a bike behind me yells out "You have really nice back muscles." That's the kind of comment a girl loves to hear.
Trying to give purpose to what you do is dangerous territory.
Can we make a rule that movie food needs to be quiet. Suggestions: apple sauce, yogurt, creme brûlée.
Japan has neither public trash cans nor trash on the streets
Idea for a tattoo for the over 60s: dnr
fantasy is better than reality
My stomach feels like I swallowed a soggy washcloth
Watching TV is so much easier than reading a book.
Excited to find out that I can have my body composted.
I use way too many qualifiers in the first draft and delete them in the second.
Something sad is happening.
My life has devolved to a perpetual out of body experience.
There's something not working if a piece of art needs wall text to explain it.
I'm just a little old lady.
I'm ready to ditch my life for virtual reality.
At UCB. Oldest person here. Hope there aren't any old person jokes.
Men who wear hats inside are conspicuously bald.
I get bored if I'm not multitasking
I'm scared of running out of ideas.
I’ve seen two really good but darkly depressing movies this week and haven’t enjoyed them. I’m losing my edge. Shit.
I'm not fond of regrets.
How do I act my age?
Get a grip girl. If only it was that easy.
shopping horror: all clothes made of polyester
I was an imposter today. It felt good.
My 71 year old neighbor needs me to get him a bottle of milk of magnesia and a box of Depends (maximum absorbency size XL).
I used the bathroom at MoMA and didn't have to touch anything but the toilet paper.
How do I get this mask off my face and where the hell did it come from.
Rich people are treated differently giving them the illusion they are more important than everyone else
Don't shatter my feeling alone in the world by being nice to me.
Why are hairy knees bad on a f but ok on a m?
Because he had a controlling mother and an angry father.
There are so many people at MoMA's Magritte exhibit the air smells like bad breath.
Sex is no longer the motivating force
I have anticipated anxiety syndrome.
At my age my underwear serves as a bra for my butt.
The only thing I hate more than airports are hospitals
There is a Positive Emotions and Psychophysiology Lab at the University of North Carolina.
I'm really upset they changed the name of my favorite tea from "Om" to "Peachy Green Tea"
I've spent my life being either hungry or full.
I'm scared of certainty.
Best line in White Noise: I'd like to lose interest in myself. Is there any chance of that happening?
I don't give a rat's ass
my twitter page is creeping me out
I'm going through a seething with anger phase
Just downloaded a meditation app
What's happening to me. I love my meditation app.
Gonna take up smoking to give up my gum addiction
I am becoming one of those old women with young hair
everyone dresses like me I dress like everyone else
new years resolution – limit feelings to those that can be shown with emoticons
my skin is falling off
I don't care how I look but I do care how I smell
I'm having difficulty putting yodo in a sentence.
I can't help but obsess about the sticky stuff on my tv remote that appeared after my 13 year old house guest left.
Am I as funny as I think I am or do people just humor me as they don't know how else to react?
My mother has cancer. I want to buy her a gift where she won't say Why did you waste your money on me when I'm going to die.
I have a small mole that would be almost imperceptible if there wasn't a long hair growing out of it.
Does anyone else tweet while sitting on the crapper?
I'm almost a nice person.
I control my thoughts control me
I've been invited to 3 parties this year and they were all last night
Whenever I leave my apartment I feel an overwhelming amount of social anxiety.
Am I a product of or a reaction against?
Santa is stupid
Another sign of middle age My belly is rounder than my butt
Why is it so #embarrassing to fart publicly?
my mind is jumping out of my head
I dreamed I spun a cocoon for myself. Good dream.
All my food is divided into single old lady portions in the freezer.
morning activities: posted a photo on Instagram, finished my window cleaning project, tweeted. A wasted life.
In case you were wondering, I'm the girl with the weak chin and the big teeth.
My 87 year old mother's response to finding out she has cancer: "It had to happen sooner or later."
Life is nuanced. Death is death.
Shit. I left the stove on again.
If I frequently forget to turn off the stove does it justify my #obsessivecompulsivedisorder
When my head spins out of control I used to spin with it. Now part of me spins and part of me watches.
Lately I have been observing myself be an observer
I just saw a blind man wearing a really bad toupee
Alleviating boredom for the museum guard: ask them where the restrooms are.
Alleviating boredom for the museum guard 2: touch the art.
If I don't listen to other people's stories the narrative is my own narrow life
it sucks that I can't think how to subvert twitter
I look like I have a mask on my face but I don't.
Most days I wake up scared.
My sixth sense is self deception.
Why do we wear bras?
Yesterday's big decision: chicken or beef.
Today's big decision: shut up or yell.
Having a dick does not make you an authority on everything.
When I wear something too small I feel like Pee-wee Herman. When I wear something too big I feel like Groucho Marx.
When I don't look down I step in shit.
For Halloween this year I want to be god
Riding my bike in a downpour was better than sitting inside watching it
If you make your dog wear a wee-wee pad you deserve to be bitten